Da Senator Would've Been Fun
I followed with some curiousity famed Bears coach Mike Ditka's
brief flirtation with running for the U.S. Senate.
Although I don't know anything about the famed coach, I
wondered how a Super Bowl-winning leader would fare in the Senate chamber. Even
after Ditka bowed out of the race last week, I continued to think about how Da
Coach would perform alongside the likes of Robery Byrd.
So I called and e-mailed an old friend from Plainfield, Roy
Taylor, a Ditka fan since age 10, who just happens to be the author of the
forthcoming book "Chicago Bears History." Surely an expert such as Taylor, with
hours and hours of research for the book under his bely, would be able to shed
some informative light on the prospect of "Da Senator."
Roy was quick to point out Ditka's accomplishments on the
sidelines. "Mike Ditka was the main reason the Chicago Bears changed from a
team to which none of my classmates paid attention, to the most popular
professional football team in history," Roy noted.
"But Ditka for Senate?" Roy asked. "To use a phrase Iron Mike
popularized, 'Get yer mouth shut.'"
Although Taylor conceded that he and other Bears fans would
likely vote for Ditka, for the sheer joy of reliving the 1985 Super Bowl run,
he did not think that Ditka should make himself a candidate.
However, Taylor noted the unique qualifications Ditka would
bring to the Senate floor:
First senator ever elected to have posed with Ricky Williams
in a wedding dress. For that matter, he would probably be the first senator
ever elected who has starred in several (bad) music videos and been accused of
throwing gum in a woman's hair.
The intimidation factor would be unprecedented; surely Ditka
telling another senator, "See that? that's your IQ buddy, ZERO!" would send the
rival scurrying away in seconds.
Since he will have constituents to answer to, perhaps his
notoriously poor Wrigley Field singing will improve.
I also wondered what kind of bills and laws we could expect
from Senator Ditka. Taylor imagined that four motions and bills would be placed
on the floor after Ditka was elected:
Cigar smoking is not only allowed, but encouraged, in public
Freedom of the press restricted-just on sportswriters in
Putting green and gin tables installed on Capitol Hill.
Introduce measure to include Levitra siestas sandwiched in
between rounds of golf and gin.
U.S. senators are held to a strict set of protocol. For
instance, the standing rules of the Senate mandate that "No senator in the
debate shall refer offensively to any State of the Union." I wondered how the
famously fire-tempered Ditka would obey such a strict set of rules, especially
with regards to Wisconsin.
Taylor said, "Mike Ditka, patriot, statesman, would certainly
do his best to uphold decorum. But I don't know that he could make a long-term
committment to doing so. While in the beginning things would work well, little
by little, the gum chewing would begin. Then the spitting (ever see the Coach
refrain from spitting, even though he was playing another team inside a dome?)
Finally, when he wanted to be heard, Da Coach/Senator would
just run up to the person he wanted to address, grab him/her by the collar, and
"It's the Ditka way."